dear brain…shut up

The mind is a scary place. It holds your deepest innermost thoughts, your memories, your emotions, regrets, pain, the key to your beating heart. It controls your entire body and regulates the second most important thing….your heart.

The inner turmoil you feel when your heart starts arguing with your head creates its own world world. They work together to keep your alive but they can kill you slowly from the inside out. Together they’re meant to create a balance in your life but what happens when you have depression is a spinning cycle of cluelessness.

My brain doesn’t function as it should and results in screwing with my heart. My brain decides to send fight or flight signals at the most random moments and sends my body into an inescapable chaos. And you can’t even begin to imagine the heartbreak and heartache it creates.

I’m lucky to have an incredible support system, who reminds me how worthy I am. If I didn’t have that I don’t know if I’d ever reach the surface of sanity. My mind dives me into the depths of the seas of sadness, misery, angst. I’m trying to swim with an anchor cemented to the sea floor, with an oxygen tank a quarter from empty. I’m continually fighting to surface.

My mind is stuck in a tornado of misunderstandings, missed opportunities, missed success. It’s a swirl of clutter with a mass of floating emotions. I try to wrangle them in but they continually become further and further from my grasp. Just as I reach the tornado and it touches down I grasp one thing and a million other things drift off and the tornado picks up and moves on to create more havoc.

When you ask me to explain how I feel, nothing comes to mind. How do you explain to a person the feeling of nothingness & numbness. The feelings of living but watching from behind the panned glass windows. I’m so close to escaping but then the chain tugs harder at my heart and swings me back inwards again.

I have hope and I have good moments. I do love the life I live and the people who I’m blessed to have in it. I continue to fight this uphill battle for the sake of my sanity and the desire to be. I’m not simply existing either, I’m living despite this pain. Despite the mess in my head and the chains around my heart. I’m living because I’m me.

if you ever wonder…

if you ever wonder what goes on in my head, look to the sea

something so vast and grand and full of mystery.

its chops and churns and yet maintains routine,

just like all those well-oiled-machines.

 

if you ever wonder how i view love, look to our God above.

with benevolence and generosity that we don’t deserve.

it comes so easily and it’s felt through the pain,

just like every passing storm always brings the rain.

 

if you ever wonder how i stay strong, look to the rock.

something so solid and built that it makes enemies stand still.

nature rags on the rock everyday and yet it maintains,

always fighting for the uphill.

 

if you ever wonder why i cry, look to the rain.

coming in strong and full of vain.

have you ever witnessed the power of the rainbow?

the rain pours down and just like that it lets go.

 

if you ever wonder about my faith, look to the bridge.

it can sway in strong winds,

but yet the strength is true.

nothing can break through.

 

if you ever wonder how i feel about you, look to the stars

the stars have the best view, so full of promise.

it makes me believe that the future is ours.

 

if you ever wonder why i smile, look to the sun.

it’s the brightest thing in the universe,

and it brings such life.

it goes on and on without strife.

 

if you ever wonder what i think of you, look at me.

something so simple and minor scale,

but can be turned into a fairytale.

 

if you ever wonder what i see, look to the future.

something that hasn’t happened yet, but seems so clear.

as if im going to the movies to watch the premiere.

holding me together after each new suture.

 

if you ever wonder what you mean, try to look at the unseen.

its mysterious and open, but not any old potion.

something different and bright,

allowing me to see a new light.

 

 

a.s              11/6/18

hey you…stop…and pay attention

I write this for clarity,

In hopes that you can see the sincerity,

of the words that I share.

Put out there to declare.

You need to hear this.

Rather you deserve to hear this.

A person like you walks in, and it’s hard to miss.

Not just from your stature but from what I see.

Holding more to yourself than the third degree.

From across the room its easy to see,

that you’re no wannabe.

You’re true to yourself, but yet

some remains unseen.

You keep to yourself

but it stems from something.

I wish I knew,

if only you allowed me to breakthrough.

You and I are alike you know.

We put up walls to protect ourselves.

We keep the walls from the outside.

The pain of the unknown is real.

But isn’t that all part of the deal?

The deal we made with life.

We don’t know what our plans are.

Only God knows and watches from afar.

But isn’t that part of the journey?

We go through this with limitless expectations.

Not knowing what to expect.

Without much time to reflect.

But you know,

you’re worth it.

And I hope you can see that.

Something I could dabble at.

 

-a.s 2018

dangling on a string

happiness it taunts me

it’s right within my reach and then it’s snatched away

I don’t need people to make me happy but when someone brings light into the darkness it’s hard to turn away.

I pour out my emotions to people and try to show that I’m not broken.

I look broken on the inside but that’s not me.

I’m so incredibly strong and I have worked hard over the years to overcome all my struggles.

Why can’t my effort be reciprocated? What can’t I feel happiness? Why don’t I deserve love that I pour out to people? Why me?

My heart can only take so much pain. I really just wanna give up entirely on the whole idea of relationships with friends or to a deeper purpose with someone I care for.

My life seems full of disappointments.

More disappointments than a girl my age should feel. It tears me up inside.

I feel like the tears never stop. I feel like it’s something that I’m bound to live with forever.

I didn’t know a heart could take this much hurt.

I try not to show it, I try to be okay. But in reality I’m not. I’m crushed constantly.

At this point in life I just want to give up making new friends entirely. I don’t want to put myself through that pain anymore.

Why is complete happiness always so temporary to me?

When will I ever be okay again?

I’m done trying. I’ve been done trying. But it still hurts so bad.

I can’t win.

I’m sorry for my heart and all the pain I feel inside. I’m sorry I do this to myself by becoming to invested in people and believing life will be okay. I’m sorry for the false promises.

I’m just lost.

to you….handsome…from baby squirrel

I have been trying to write this to you for the past couple of years now since I first met you, but I’ve never thought it through. I met you when I was a freshmen in college, and you still have an impact on me to this day. When I try and think of the words to say to you, I struggle because its hard. There were so many emotions I have felt for you over the years.

Anger – when you decided that I was too young for you, and you didn’t want to risk it

Hurt – when you left and I realized how much I missed you

Sadness – when I realized that you didn’t need me

Love – for the person you are and the success you would achieve

Respect – to strive for what you deserve and to settle for nothing less

I don’t think you ever truly understood the impact you had on my life. You helped me to feel comfortable and to adapt to college. College was the hardest thing I’ve gone through so far and when I was with you, it became so easy.

You made me laugh when I didn’t think that laughing was possible. You tried to come across as someone that strictly wanted one thing,  but I discovered how much deeper that went. You’re not some surface level shit you’re all the layers to the floor. And what mean is that you’re complicated, but you understand life in a different light, and it’s a light that I wanna see again.

You did bring light into my life whether you intended to or not, but I cannot thank you enough.

Shit has gone down between us and I know things aren’t the same, but I can’t help but smile when I think back to your baby blues laying there staring at me. You just stare while I make a fool of myself.

You cross my mind far more than I’d like to admit and I often keep it a secret from you because I know you’re far too busy with your life to think back to me. To think back to everything that was there, but wasn’t tapped into.

You never realized how I missed you, and wished that you would see in me what I saw in you. I saw promise and I saw someone who wanted to be happy but was too afraid to let it in. You’re someone that refused to let emotions in because of the possibility of disappointment. I don’t think you understand how much I can see into you and understand.

You try to close yourself off from people but you let me in, and I’m forever grateful for that.

You were there for me when I cried so much my nose bled all over that goofy fish shirt, and you were there for me when I was too drunk and just wanted to talk and be with you. You were there for me even when I left and helped to remind me that I could do it, and that school wouldn’t be that difficult. You gave me a piece of happiness that forever has your name attached to it.

I’m not writing this as a call for attention but as a plea for you to see what I see in you. I’m writing to you the lover of Rolling Rock, and plants. The lover of fish and helping children learn. I’m writing to you the lover of scary movies and super fancy ties that make you look so handsome. I’m writing to you…the first guy I met at college that I actually felt a connection with.

Here we are 4 years later and I’m in the position you were when you met me, and I wonder how you feel about me.

thank you for being you, and for bringing a smile to my face whenever you pop into my mind. I hope that I get the chance to see you again soon, and to give you a hug and try to force you to show your teeth when you smile.

p.s i really miss your pillow pet.