negative

You go months without periods.

Something isn’t right with your body and you don’t have any answers.

You have dreams that feel so real only to be woken up to the reality.

People ask when you’re going to have kids and another piece of your heart breaks.

You watch shows with babies and kids and tear up.

You see families in public and begin day dreaming.

Your friends are getting pregnant within a few months on trying.

Ultrasound pictures, gender reveals, baby shower, monthly baby picture updates.

Movies, TV, Social Media taunt you.

You walk past the baby clothes in the store as fast as you can trying to distract yourself.

Every advertisement is mocking you with the mention of fertility and pregnancy tests.

Every test you take stares back at you with only 1 line haunting you.

Negative. Negative. Negative.

Enough

There comes a time when things become too much, too overwhelming, too exhausting, too debilitating, too shitty. I call that time, enough. And I’ve certainly had enough of having enough.

When you have so much stress from work you feel like you can’t catch your breath…enough.

When you witness so much pain anything else will send you over the edge…enough.

When your days and nights blend together because you can’t sleep…enough.

When you have so many thoughts in your head that you don’t dare share with anyone…enough.

When you have so much heartbreak you’re breaking from the inside out…enough.

When it becomes appointments after appointments in a vicious cycle…enough.

When the words become too much…enough.

When everyone’s opinion flood your brain constantly…enough.

When you’re told time after time that everything you do is wrong…enough.

When getting out of bed becomes a chore…enough.

When communication becomes pointless…enough.

When things you once found joy in now destroy you…enough.

When push comes to shove and you get your world rocked…enough.

When someone stops fighting to be in your life…enough.

When you try and try and hope for different results…enough.

When the patience runs out…enough.

When every test you take is negative…enough.

When you can’t explain why you cry all the time…enough.

for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health…

We know these words from typical wedding vows. We say these vows in marriage as a promise to take care of each other through everything that life brings our way. We vow our lives to one another. But what we don’t think about is how soon these trials will come our way.

We got married at 23 and 24. Both young, in love, heathy, happy, and stable. Loving the honeymoon phase. Talking about starting a family, a new house, new job, planning vacations…

We were happy. We were stable. We were healthy. We were strong. We were ready to start a family. We were planning possible trips for our 1 year anniversary. We were okay.

September 19, 2022….

We woke up go ready for our day. One of us heading to work. One of us went back to sleep.

5:58 AM

One of us is lying on a pavement. One of us is sleeping in bed. One of us has a broken leg. One of us is sleeping in bed. One of us is bleeding through their pants. One of us is sleeping in bed. One of us is holding a bone in their hand. One of us is sleeping in bed. One of us is scared to death. One of us is sleeping in bed. One of us calling 911. One of us is sleeping in bed. One of us is being loaded into an ambulance. One of us is sleeping in bed. One of us is going to the hospital.

He’s the one feeling the immediate pain. I’m the one lying in bed…

6:30 AM

One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us is getting a phone call. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us just got news there was an accident. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us learned the other one is badly hurt. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us is breaking on the phone. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us learned there is at least a broken leg. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us gets off the phone and starts bawling. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us immediately calls other family members to tell them the news. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us runs around the house grabbing everything they can think of. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital. One of us jumps in the car and starts driving as fast and safely as they can. One of us is lying in a bed in a hospital.

He’s the one now lying in the bed. I’m the one just now feeling the pain…

8:15 AM

I make it to the hospital and am immediately ushered into a waiting room. I can’t see him. I can’t talk to him. I can’t touch him. I’m waiting. Waiting for anything they can give me.

8:26 AM

2 hours after I first got the call. I can finally see him. He’s lying there in agony. He’s strapped down and can’t move. He’s trying to tell me what happened. The pain is getting worse. They’re trying to do some additional scans. He’s yelling now. He’s awake. He’s out. He’s awake. He’s out. He’s awake. He’s out.

Is no one concerned? Why isn’t he getting more medicine? Is it just the leg? What are they going to do? Why isn’t anyone telling me anything? Why aren’t we getting answers?

9:56 AM

They finally move us to outside of the OR. They are talking to us, telling us the next steps. He’s yelling again. I’ve pressed the nurse button 3 times so far. Where is everyone? Why isn’t anyone helping us? I’m telling him it’s going to be okay. It’ll be any minute now. They’re coming. It’ll be over soon.

I have no idea when they’re coming. I have no idea if it’ll be over soon. I have no way to know. I can’t stop the pain. I’m helpless.

11:28 AM

They finally come and get him. Finally he goes into surgery.

I move to the waiting room to wait until I know more. I’m told it’ll be around 2 hours.

1:30 PM

I hear nothing.

1:45 PM

Still nothing.

2:00 PM

Still nothing.

2:11 PM

He’s finally out of surgery. The surgeon comes and tells me it went well, but it’s only the beginning and we will have to keep an eye on it.

I still can’t see him.

2:45PM

Waiting.

3:00PM

Waiting.

3:30 PM

Waiting.

3:40

Finally. I get to see him.

What I wasn’t prepared for was all the change so suddenly. Why was this happening to us. He’s only 24! We haven’t even celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary. What do we do now? How long until he can walk again? Why now? Why him? Anyone but him. This isn’t fair.

NOW – November 7th 2022 – 1 day after our 1 year

He’s come a long way. The pain has mostly subsided and is more manageable. He’s in better spirits. He’s getting more independent. He’s getting stronger day by day. The road to recovery is a long one but it’s not impossible. It looks like closer to a year before things return to normal, and even still he may never fully regain feeling in part of his leg or full mobility. But I refuse to believe that.

The strongest man I know has been to hell and back the last two months and has only come out stronger. He has pushed through the pain: physical and emotional. He has overcome so many obstacles. He has fought the demons and continues to fight the ones plague his mind. He has pushed when pushing feels impossible. He has fought for himself and for us.

Ten months into our marriage our lives changed drastically and forever. These last two months have been hard and have felt impossible at times. Our roles changed significantly. I became his 24/7 nurse. I tended to his every need, often when I didn’t feel up to it or didn’t know how. I stepped into shoes I never thought I would have to fill at 25. I spoke up and told off people I never imagined I would have to. I fought for him and for us every second since I got that phone call. I pushed aside my own wants, needs, thoughts, feelings. I focused solely on him. I did everything for him. And I won’t apologize to anyone for how I handled things. I did what I felt was best for him and for us. Always have and always will.

If the roles were reversed I know he would have done the same without thinking twice about it. And I would do it all over again if I had to. Although I hope and pray it doesn’t happen again. But that’s life. We know nothing about what is going to happen and we need to be willing to drop and change everything in a heartbeat.

A year and a day ago I married my best friend. I said I do to my whole world and felt that my life finally started.

This past year hasn’t been perfect and we’ve had our fits and arguments, but we never stayed angry with each other. We never gave up. We pushed and we fought through everything life handed us.

These last two months have showed us that we can get through everything. We are only as strong as we build each other to be. We don’t tear each other down. We push and we fight together. We grow stronger together. We have overcome so many challenges in this first year that I have no doubts this is a forever thing. I never had any doubts. It just solidified my belief and my love for my incredible husband.

Here’s to another chapter in our book of forever. Hopefully, this time without any more broken bones.

Forever and a day. ❤

The Call

Monday Morning 6:35 AM

I saw my husband’s name pop up on my phone and just assumed he needed me to check on something at the house.

It was his work number but it wasn’t his voice.

The caller on the other end asked for me and told me there was an accident outside of base. My husband had a broken leg but was okay and at the hospital.

I broke on the phone.

I hung up and immediately started bawling. I couldn’t believe it. There’s no way. A broken leg. An accident. He’s okay?

How did this happen? What was he driving? Is it just his leg? Was he hit? Will he be okay? Is he conscious? How bad is it? Where is he? Why him? Why today? Why us?

I had so many questions running through my mind and so many unanswered.

The only person I wanted to talk to I couldn’t. The only person who could calm me down was laying in a hospital with a broken leg in pain. The only person I wanted to hug…and I couldn’t.

I couldn’t break. I had to focus on getting my things and self together and getting to the hospital now. Nothing else mattered only him, I needed to see him.

I made it to the hospital and had to wait for what seemed like forever until I was finally let back to see him.

There he was, my rock…laying in a hospital bed with a neck brace and a splint around his entire left leg.

Items from the accident were in clear plastic bags.

Motorcycle helmet. Gloves. One shoe here, one shoe there. Pants cut off and open. Shirt cut down the middle. Wallet. Sock. Hat. Phone. Bracelet. Dog tags. Wedding ring.

Him.

Lying helplessly and in pain on a stretcher. With a broken tibia and fibula and blood bleeding through the bandages.

The pain in his eyes and voice.

my best friend.

my world.

my everything.

nothing I could do to stop the pain.

absolutely nothing.

standing there helpless.

Our entire world changed in a instant and would be changed forever.

All because of someone’s reckless driving.

Anger filled me.

Why him?

Why now?

Why us?

I stood there filled with rage, fear, sadness and worry.

We’ve never been down this road before. How are we going to get through this? What’s the next step? What do I need to do? How can we heal physically and emotionally? Why him God? Why?

I couldn’t let those thoughts overwhelm me. I was there for him. Nothing else in the entire world mattered, but him. Only him.

I pushed everything else aside and stood there strong. I did the best I could to keep him calm. I held his hand and stroked his head reassuring him everything will be okay. I told him the surgeons would fix everything and he was going to be okay. I reassured him they were coming any minute now to take him in for surgery and he wouldn’t feel any pain anymore.

But I didn’t know.

I didn’t know how severe it was. I didn’t know if it was fixable. I didn’t know how much longer they would be. I knew nothing and had nothing.

He went into surgery and I took a breath. I think my first real breath since I saw him. I carried his helmet and clothes into a room of strangers who stared at me with pity and sadness. They could see what had happened. They knew the pain.

I took another breath.

I gathered the disarray of our lives and carried it down to my car and then I broke.

I stood there in the parking lot with a helmet in my hands bawling. The reality of everything that had happened so far came rushing in and brought me to my knees. I sat there crumbled and let todays events wash over me.

But I couldn’t act like this. I needed to be strong. Strong for him. So I picked myself up and went back in to wait until I could see him again.

Everything changed in an instant for him on that road and for me when I got the call…

What no one tells you about getting married…loss

I’m not officially married yet…but will be this November. There are so many emotions running through my head it’s hard to keep track. The joy, excitement, love, happiness, growth, and the one that’s been hurting the most is loss.

Loss can mean a lot of things. Loss in realizing both your grandmas won’t be there to watch you marry the love of your life. Loss that you will only have one grandparent in attendance. Loss that a lot of people you care about might not be able to make it. Loss that your childhood is long since over. Loss that you may lose friends along on the way. Loss that things will never be the same.

And when I describe some of the losses it’s not negative – it’s just a change, and change takes some time to get used to. The loss of childhood isn’t a bad thing it’s just a new thing. Loss of friends along the way is bound to happen…people grow apart and it’s normal. Loss that things will never be the same is also not a loss but another change, a change that can be hard to accept sometimes.

I’ve spent 23 odd years with the same people, in the same house, with the same expectations, same rules, same experiences, same everything. And I welcome the change happily…I am marrying the love of my life after all. But the change comes at a cost. I guess what I want to talk about specifically is friends.

I have amazing friends…that I have met at many different points in my life. I have the childhood friends who, high school friends, college friends, work friends, family friends, the list goes on. I don’t want this to come across as a stab at any of them but its a real feeling. Loss.

I don’t expect to lose many/any friends but I know it’ll happen. People drift apart, move away, find new interests, just become less visible in your life. Loss.

Getting married is the second biggest change to bringing a child into this world. We adapt and move on with our life. We find our life partners and grow with them, grow together with them, and act less as a in individual but more as pair.

Loss.

Single, In a Relationship, Marriage – they’re all different times in our life that have different expectations.

They’re all good in their own way with different challenges and experiences.

Loss.

I’ve realized slowly how different it must be for people in my life who aren’t in the same stage as me to understand how I think now, act, things I do, exist.

Loss.

I haven’t lost any friends or memories but it feels different. And that’s to be expected. Different isn’t bad it’s new and it stings sometimes.

I think back to the person I was in high school, in college, now. I’m still the same in the sense but my life experiences have changed me dramatically.

Loss.

Memories don’t leave me and I’m grateful but we can’t live in them, can’t live in the past. We are an ever-changing species. Growth is part of our nature. We grow into ourselves in a physical sense but also in an emotional sense.

My severe anxiety, depression, and panic attacks have changed me in ways I never thought possible. Those that have known me these last 5 or so years I’ve been struggling have seen the change. I’m cautious. hesitant, drained, emotional, and for people that don’t understand that it’s hard to relate.

Loss – I think the biggest is the feeling of being forgotten or left out.

I know that’s not what anyone thinks or intends but it happens. You have friends as single person, as a couple, and as husband and wife. It’s different. It’s life and I get it. I understand it. It hurts. That’s the biggest loss.

It feels like sometimes people move on without you even if that’s not their intention.

Loss – Change – it’s expected. It’ll happen but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Our Angel

No longer earthly bound.

You always had your wings in life,

and now at last they are found.

You left us too soon.

God decided it was your time.

to make the heavenly climb.

You made us who we are today.

There aren’t enough words to describe,

We will always look up to you.

We know the pain won’t go away,

eventually, we will be okay.

It will hurt for awhile,

and I know you’ll be there with me when I walk down the aisle.

We know we will see you again,

just next time in the heavenly domain.

We know you are at peace,

and the pain has finally ceased.

You were,

a daughter,

a mother,

a sister,

a grandmother,

a friend.

Your smile and love lives on.

We have these memories between us,

even after you’re long gone.

I can still smell,

all of my favorite foods you made so well.

You were one of the best cooks,

that never used a book.

You had the most beautiful garden.

You grew many things,

always excited at the nearing of spring.

You worked hard all your life,

always the one to sacrifice.

You taught us to work for what we want,

but making sure we to never flaunt.

This is no easy thing for us,

And even though we’re now apart,

We feel you each and everyday in our heart.

We know that you are free,

and you will always live on within me.

So fly high dear Angel,

we are forever grateful.

Dear Heavenly Angel

Dear heavenly angel,
we think of you today.
Our once skies of blue turned to dark shades of grey.
Unfortunately for us, God took our sweet Elsie Mae.

Dear heavenly angel,
Our hearts are with you always.
Smiling down through the sun rays.

Dear heavenly angel,
your love still shines through.
Impacting each and everyone,
daughters…granddaughters…sons and grandsons too.

Dear heavenly angel,
your kindness lives on…
even though your physical body is gone.

Dear heavenly angel,
Else, grandma, mom…
your many roles and names,
kept this family calm.

Dear heavenly angel,
with all that love you gave.
We feel it still…
coming in waves.

Dear heavenly angel,
your light will not burn out.
Your impact will remain…
joining the family like a chain.

Dear heavenly angel,
your strong faith and trust,
will forever be instilled in us.

Dear heavenly angel,
we will forever be grateful,
that you gave us each other.
You taught us to lean on one another.

Dear heavenly angel,
we know you’re cheering us on.
Only now you’re in God’s bleachers,
pushing us to go on.

Dear heavenly angel,
there’s so much I can say.
So many words I have for you,
but just know we’ll be okay.

Dear heavenly angel,
we no longer need to worry,
you are without pain,
and we know we will see you again.

Dear heavenly angel,
God sure is lucky…
he has a new angel to sing,
we wish we could hear you worshipping.

Dear heavenly angel,
Welcome home.
We are at peace…
and eventually our pain will cease.

Dear heavenly angel,
your time on Earth is gone,
God’s will is finally done.
We will push through.
Never forget how much we love you.

I love you Grandma! ❤️

Don’t Worry About Me…

Don’t worry about me. I am finally at peace.

I know saying that doesn’t allow the pain to cease.

Life was hard towards the end.

But by leaving this Earth, you can finally start to mend.

 

Don’t worry about me. I am alive.

Didn’t truly understand what that meant until I arrived.

For a long time I was gone.

And I know you tried to hang on,

to the memories of us.

And I know you felt it was superfluous.

 

Don’t worry about me. I’m playing cards.

Yes, even so beyond the graveyard.

 

Don’t worry about me. I’m without pain.

Finally, a life I can enjoy again.

I lost myself towards the end,

as my mind started to descend.

 

Don’t worry about me. I am whole.

I knew all along that was God’s goal.

He sat me down and fixed me,

as I sat upon his knee.

 

Don’t worry about me. I have found joy.

Just like I did when I was a boy.

My spirit has returned.

Just as bright as it always burned.

 

Don’t worry about me. I am free.

And yes, it is everything you imagined it would be.

Everything is beautiful and clean.

It is better than I could have ever foreseen.

 

Don’t worry about me. I’m still with you.

I’m still someone you can always come to.

I’m here in your heart,

And remember that we’re never far apart.

 

a.s 03/10/20

heartbreak

This is a long overdue post but it’s something that has been eating away at me. Heartbreak is nothing new to me but I never expected it to hurt this much. And this time around there is no one to blame but myself. I created my own heartbreak this time and took someone I look down with me and I don’t have enough words to apologize for it.

Depression is hard in itself but trying to love someone else when you are broken is even harder. So yes you already know this is about you…

For so long I have been trying to piece myself back together from an emotional roller coaster I dealt with for five years. Before I can explain how my most recent heartbreak started I guess I need to go back to the beginning and describe the monster who started it all.

The Past:

I was dumb and I was young and I met a boy my sophomore year of high school who I thought was crazy quite frankly and I know now that my entire family and my best friend had predicted that all along. I chose not to believe it because I was blinded by love so to speak. There was love in there at some point but towards the end love blinded the manipulation and control that I was under. The relationship had turned emotionally abusive and I had no idea.

I never understood how someone can stay with someone who is physically abusive and refuse to leave. I mean how can you justify staying with someone that physically hurts you and leaves marks that are obvious to the outside world who are telling you that it’s not okay. Growing up we are taught that it’s not okay to hit…we literally learn that at 2-3 years old…and so how can we justify staying with someone who does that to us knowingly.

Now I was never in a physically abusive relationship but rather an emotionally abusive one…and as soon as I was out of it I realize just how possible it really is to remain stuck. I didn’t just stay because I didn’t truly know what was going on, but rather I was afraid to leave. I had been with this person off an on for 4 years and was even engaged to him and so I just didn’t know how to be alone. I was so emotionally dependent on him for so long that I didn’t even recognize the scars that had been cut and healed over too many times to count.

He manipulated me and made me feel so terrible about myself that I started to believe that it was true all along. I thought that I truly was worthless. I believed that no one else would “treat me so well.” Saying that sounds like a joke now but it’s true. He had it so engrained in my head that I would never find anyone else to love me the way he did. And for the longest time I thought that was a good thing…but wow was I wrong. I’m glad I found someone else who treated me so well because then I actually learned what it was like to be truly loved and respected.

The issue with that is that I never gave myself time to grief the piece of myself that I lost. I never sat down and just cried about what happened and reflected. I was so messed up over everything that the last thing I wanted to do was to talk about it let alone get emotional over it. I’m still grieving over the piece of myself that I lost that day, and I have spent the last few years trying to find it and rebuild it.

Present Day:

Now that I established how messed up my head and heart is I can jump back to where I stand presently. I did manage to find someone who treated me perfectly and respected me. Someone who made loving them so easy and effortless. Someone I called my best friend. Someone that I did and probably still can see a future with. Someone who tried to pick up my broken pieces and put me back together. Someone that I still love and always will. Someone that I still can’t explain what’s going on in my heart. Someone who I hurt just as much as I hurt myself. Someone that I left because I’m so messed up that I don’t even know what’s going on. Someone that I will forever feel conflicted over. Someone named Nathaniel…

You have no idea the pain that I am going through and I know that I would/do tell you that whenever you ask what’s wrong. But that’s simply it I can’t even begin to explain something that has cut me this deep for the last 6-7 years now. I have tried so many times to begin to tell you but every memory comes back and it torments me.

I know it’s not fair to you that this still rags on me but I don’t know when it will ever go away. I did lose a part of myself that day. The part that understands what true love is and how people can genuinely care for other people. The part of me that you deserve the most and yet I can’t seem to find to give you.

I am so sorry for the pain that I caused both of us. You deserve the world and I’m so sorry that I can’t be the one to give that to you. I’m sorry that things ended up this way. I know it’s confusing and it sucks but I love you and I am so thankful that I met you and had to opportunity to fall for you and experience so many great things with you.

I wish I could separate the past hurt and not let it impact future relationships but I still haven’t been able to. Things were so good between us and I thought that we could get through everything but the pain in the past became too much for me and made me second guess everything. I have bad memories from then that unfortunately were brought back to the surface because last time I trusted and loved someone this much I was screwed. And I know that hurts to hear it and it hurts to say it.

You are nothing like him. In fact you are the complete opposite. You are nothing like anyone I’ve ever met. And I love you for that. I love you for so many reasons but I love how different you are. You’re so incredibly strong and one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

I just wanted to tell you again that this heartbreak between us is again entirely my fault. And I will never stop apologizing to you for that.

I love you Hercules and I’m sorry that I put you through all of this. You never deserved to be hurt again and I’m sorry that I was the one who did it.

 

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