volleyball – the game that I have loved all my life, the game that I have pushed myself the hardest in, the game that brought so much happiness, the game that gave me so much happiness, the game that will forever have my whole heart, the game that now only brings me pain, the game that has crushed me, the game that continues to tug at my emotion every time I talk about it
they say when you love something set it free…but that’s bullshit. how can you just give up something that you care about so much, and just walk away and pretend its nothing. its bullshit.
Volleyball provided an outlet for me. It gave me something to look forward to every day. When I had any issues I would let it go through my playing, and it helped me to balance out my emotions. But after that door closed the emotions became stuck behind the door for my happiness. My emotions became trapped with no outlet. That’s where all the pain lies within myself. That trapped pain has only progressed further to the depression and anxiety that now consumes me.
For the most part I hold myself together, but its so hard when all of your best friends play, and you’re just engulfed in the sport. Today is when it hit the hardest.
I sat there paralyzed with sadness watching my old teammates play alumni. The gym was filled with the passion for volleyball. I watched them have the time of their lives while I sat alone. Today was like being stuck in an enclosed fish tank sitting in a lively fish pond. The tank is transparent, and you can see through it, but it’s closed and you can’t leave it. The pond bolsters community, happiness, friendship, life, but I’m stuck here forced to watch alone. I can’t leave this tank because it has been cemented shut with emotions of torment and pain. I can’t attempt to shatter the glass between the two because it would put both me and the pond in danger. I can’t call for help because everything around me is moving at a far faster pace. I feel stuck almost in a perpetual hell.
My own perpetual hell.
You know how when they would accuse woman on witchcraft how sometimes they would tie them to chairs and dunk them in rivers, if they floated they were a witch and if they drowned they weren’t. That’s perpetual hell, because either way you’re not escaping it. If for some crazy reason you happened to float/survive you were deemed an official witch only to undergo other forms of torture and the death. If you didn’t float which was what was going to happen then you died on false accusations. Either way you look at it, you didn’t have a choice but to endure it.
I endure it. I have endured it, but at the same time I can’t escape it. Likewise I can’t escape my anxiety or depression. It is who I am. I don’t necessarily let these things define me, but they do take control over me time to time.
Volleyball to me wasn’t just a game. It was a lifestyle for me. When I was told that I wasn’t good enough it not only broke my spirit but broke my heart that day. I was blindsided. It was as if I never had a chance, and it was like I was a mouse being dangled on a thread just high enough that the cat couldn’t reach me, but then I was dropped. Not only dropped, but discarded. It made me feel so worthless. Words don’t describe the pain fully, it’s a hurt that shakes you to your core. It’s a hurt that comes in the middle of the night. It’s a hurt that runs through your bones. It’s a hurt that breaks almost everyone.
The difference between me and them is that it didn’t break me. Instead of falling helplessly into the cats mouth I fought back with every bone, fiber, hair, emotion in my body. My enemy is great, but I am greater.
I have accomplished so much more and have become so much stronger. I motivate myself to better myself. I set goals and I’ve met them. Through this struggle and journey I have realized what I am capable of. I’m always an athlete but this time around I’m stronger than the game.
The game doesn’t define me. I define me.
This time around it’s all about self-empowerment.
loving myself more and more everyday
it’s about time to shatter my fish tank and break down all my emotional strongholds and to start not only living but thriving again.