Everyone always said that sticks and stones can break your bones, but words will never hurt me. That saying alone is complete bullshit. I would much rather have a physical ailment than something that seems invisible to the world. Breaking bones would be much more tolerable than some of the things that people say to each other. It’s not just an issue with friends or family members it becomes a societal issue. And the problem with being in a depressive state of mind is that any little word or phrase can set you off completely and wreck your whole world.
There are certain triggers in this world that I can’t even begin to explain how they affect me. Whoever thought it was socially acceptable to create a TV show dealing with teenage suicide and bullies is completely sick. Yes I am talking about 13 Reasons Why from Netflix. People love the show because of the heavy laden drama but they don’t seem to pay attention to how heavily words can hurt people. Words and actions can lead people to do crazy things. It’s unacceptable to be portrayed in this way. The show itself is very triggering because all it does it bring to reality the pain that you’ve been trying to hide.
Even movies like The Perks of Being a Wallflower are awful. The time I tried to watch that I had the worst panic attack of my life and couldn’t calm myself down. Just the way people hurt each other and the utter disregard for people’s feelings is something that I experience every day. It’s a struggle sometimes to even get out of bed, and it seems like such a simple task.
What I wish people understood is how words can be skewed. When you already have a low self-esteem as is little things can break you. And most times it isn’t anyone’s fault. Tears have been a norm for me for the past 4 years, and when I cry sometimes its just a way to release. It can be seen as overreacting when you cry about something simple, but honestly sometimes it’s the best thing.
Tears can stem from happy moments like being told that you’re an amazing person or they can stem from sadness when you realize that you only have one more year of college left with your best friends. And that’s just how life is.
Something that I also wish could be understood is that we aren’t dependent on other people to be happy. Complete happiness is the ultimate goal, but it always seems like galaxies away. People do help so much, but it’s not because we need them to help. We appreciate the help. Talking to people is more of a distraction than a dying need. Just because I am depressed doesn’t mean that I can’t hold conversations or have general interests in what people have to say. It is nice to have people around you that care for you. I guess sometimes it can come across as aggravating and needy and can put a lot of pressure on a person.
I have dealt with that far too much. And even when the world seems dark and gray it’s nice to see that other people can still enjoy life fully, and I choose to live vicariously through them. Right now I’m at a point in my life where full happiness doesn’t seem possible. But with the support of my amazing friends and family I know that someday I will get there. And someday I’ll be able to look back on all of this and realize how far I have come.
So do whatever you need to do to get better. Cry. Laugh. Smile. Cry some more. Meet new people. Talk to your family. Write exercise. Get outside. Experience love. Experience heartbreak. Create amazing memories. And most of all live. And enjoy the gift of life from God.
I know that words will always hurt me but maybe in the future I’ll stop wishing that sticks and stones would break my bones in order to find a way to deal with the emotional pain.